For no apparent reason, here's six guys that peeve me.... and will peeve you, too, this football season.

1) The "After-the-whistle-blows-run-to-the-end-zone" Guy

This guy picks up a fumble after a play has been blown dead and runs all the way to the end zone. He will keep running regardless of distance to the goal line or amount of times the whistle is blown. Other indicators of a play blown dead, such as a silent stadium or the announcer's voice over the loud speaker announcing the next down and distance, do not seem to be readily processed by these players.

Un-freaking-fathomably enough, "dead ball" guy will sometimes noticeably speed up when he notices that no one is chasing him. This makes zero sense and it really pisses me off. The only thing worse than the "dead-ball speed-up" move, is when this clown has a teammate, also cognizant of the play being dead, who accompanies him to the end zone, presumably to block all of opposing players who aren't in hot pursuit. Often times, these are the jackasses that will dive into the end zone as a finale to their stupid efforts.

Proponents of "run-after-the-whistle" guy make about as little sense as the aforementioned dip sh*ts themselves. They will often say that they like the chicanery because "he's just playing to the whistle." No, he's not. He's going well beyond the whistle. Guys that say that also follow high school football to the extent that one wonders if they're a pedophile. My good friend, Jeff, hates this guy the most.

2) Ed Hochuli

I should clarify, I actually love Ed Hochuli, but knowing that he knows that we know he's flexing every time he does the signal for whatever penalty he's announcing makes me about as squirm-in-your-chair-uncomfortable as being at dinner with Kanye West and Taylor Swift... and I hate that.

Hochuli is a partner at Arizona law firm Jones, Skelton and Hochuli, P.L.C. I can imagine how his closing arguments go: "If it pleases the jury... I will know flex my deltoids... aaahhh!!" Ed also has a brother, Chip Hochuli, who, judging by his name, is a male stripper.

 

3) Wack Celebration Guy (WCG)

This guy is full of bravado, but has no clue how to express it. He makes a big hit (often times a sack) and then gets up and sprints approximately 10 yards only to stop abruptly and just stand there. On occassion WCG will fold his arms across his chest. It has never been established what, exactly, he's is looking for.

Sometimes, WCG's teammates will sprint with him to celebrate, but have such velocity behind them that they're unable to match WCG's abrupt stop, thus knocking him to the ground and ruing his "arms folded, staring" pose. This is the best outcome for this buster-ass celebration and probably makes guys like Ernest Givens and Ickey Woods smile.

4) Brent Musburger

5) Over-Eager Special Teamer (OEST)

These guys act like they just won a Super Bowl or Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes after running a play with the kick-off or kick return team. During OEST moments, there is a ton of taunting and more arm waving and hand gestures than the Iowa School for the Deaf Spelling Bee. Often times, there is a small fracas that is separated by the officials. Players from both sides often leave the field in a bouncing, back peddling motion that enables them to maximize the amount of gestures displayed and sh*t talked before reaching the sideline, where they will wait until the next kick-off.

The interesting thing about this phenomenon, is that it almost always occurs from both teams at the same time. Reason being, it always happens on a pretty average play (the ball was caught inside the 10 and returned between the 20- and 30-yards lines), so both units think they did well. It also happens during highly-emotional moments (opening kick-off or after halftime), by guys who don't otherwise get a ton of clock. This happens without fail on the opening kick-off of every season opener, playoff and bowl game.

6) Raider Fans

Is it always Halloween at the Oakland-Alameda Colluseum? Raider Fan, your mascot is essentially a pirate - or a guy who works for a pirate - but you dress up as either "a-guy-who-paints-his-face-and-wears-gigantic-spikes-on-his-shoulder-pads," or "Death," neither of which have anything to do with football, or your mascot. If all the extras from the Water World and the music video of "California Love" (the version where they're in the desert) had kids, they would look like you.

Is there something in your parole agreement that requires you look like an idiot when attending a football game? Is that fans in Oakland prefer meth to bratwurst when tailgating? Nothing about you makes any sense whatsoever. At least the organization is stable...